Ending the cycle of manipulation based compliance

How to escape the cycle of manipulation based compliance.

I don't understand the concept of "if you do x you get, you get y" it's always felt like extra steps, a strategy my brain doesn't feel equipped for. Extra math, always planning, doing the most. To me it seems harder than just holding space for the belief that we are worthy of things because we exist. That after this boring part of the day, we will do something fun, so hang in there because we are a team.

All the same, modern mainstream parenting is founded on manipulation tactics to get through the day, to get through life, it can be a tough cycle to break, especially when there isn't a vocabulary available to do otherwise.

"I know this part is hard, but when we are done, let's do something fun, be thinking about what we can do"
Or offer a few options.

Instead of "If you are good, we can do *hang whatever you know they like over their head*"

Okay, well children are always good. So this is flawed from the start.

Your children owe you exactly nothing.

Not a good day or a good attitude or good manners or good behavior.

That realization gets a lot easier when you realize your identity is not found in your children, they are not here to fill your voids, they are not here to live out your fantasies you had for yourself or them.

You know what gets you all of the abouve mentioned?

First of all dissecting things being "good" and "bad" seeing behavior as messages

Second and most importantly:

Connection. You don't have to enforce rules that validate you. Because it's something someone who is connected to you and feels seen, heard, understood and loved WANTS to provide. They want to bring their best to a relationship they feel their best best in. Children can feel the difference between unconditional love and manipulation.

They owe you absolutely nothing.

Look at how you aren't providing yourself with what it is you need and address all the symptoms of that root cause in doing so.



Bring them into the process.
"Would you like 5 more minutes or 15?"
"I know you're having a great time and I love that, but we really do have to get going because *tell them the thing you already discussed that had to get done today*"

Remember our objectives? We had to be home by a certain time because _____

It's time for ______ in 15 minutes, remember?

Gentleness and ease. Creates more gentleness and ease. It cannot produce friction. Like manipulation does.


When you aren't busy navigating and interpreting the behavior and manipulation of your parents, you are open to focus on yourself. When you aren't busy balancing the emotions of those around you, you can focus on balancing your own. When you aren't busy taking care of your parents trauma and symptoms of it, you can sort through your own and manage traumatic situations with the power you have been developing because you have been raised in peace and connection.

Peace and connection is the key for humans to become themselves. It is a key that opens every door. It is a gift.

How much more space could you have to offer when you have been raised to hold space for yourself first?

We are not here to bestow upon our children what we have learned, we are here to be. To be and to work on what pulls us apart from who we are. We are here to hold unconditional space for ourselves so we can hold unconditional space for them to be exactly who they are.

It can be HARD to examine our patterns, our whys,but its necessary and EMPOWERING, not shame based, we must dismantle the ways we keep love from ourselves and our children

Being "tough" to your kids when they do something you don't like is not turning them into good people. Relax and love them, always. No manipulation, no pressure to force and mold them into who you want them to be. Compassion and love nurture the good our children are born with and always, always have inside them. This is not how it has to be. Accept yourself first. Love them how they love you. Love yourself how they love you.

But, Amethyst, how can I get my child to do something they don't want to do?

Talk to them.

"I know this part sucks and it's difficult, but in order to get through to the enjoyable part (knowing how to read, count, etc) sometimes we have to do things that don't feel fun. This is one of those times. Let's take a lot of breaks and do something fun when we are done!"

Examining what you CAN change about unchangeable situations is important. When you aren't relying of the game of manipulation, your mind can bee freed up for creative solutions.

First, give up the illusion that you have control over who your child is and what they do or don't do. Work WITH who they are and what they like.

- I notice my child is fidgity, how do I get them to stop? You don't. Get them a sensory object to mess with during lessons.

- My child doesn't like math. Okay, what do they like? Baking? Video games? Whatever their natural interests are, use those to fill in the gaps.

I also believe that math is one of those things that is so prevalent, learning it is inevitable, naturally.

It is also important to talk about "unmotivated" children.

An unmotivated child doesn't need manipulation, they need self esteem. And what is counter to self esteem? Manipulation. The focus here needs to be on inspiration. A spark exists in all of us, typically, it's much easier to decipher what others is when you've found your own. What motivates you to try new things?

Finding yourself and your voice is always a key to discovering and allowing space for your child to discover theirs.

Do you see the pattern here?

Manipulation creates a difficult game, mind Olympics, it doesn't feel good from start to finish.

When we can include our children and operate like a team, things feel better, you free up your brain space for creative solutions, you work together, you hold space for your needs and theirs.

Life becomes a cohesive flow that flows with ease and is fueled by your individual passions melding together.

You are so much more well-matched for your children than you can comprehend. Use that to your advantage.
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If you would like personalized advice: https://www.amethystjoy.com/ichooseme/parenting